today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
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Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”