Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
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*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing