If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
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One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.