People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
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I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Breaking news:
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”