Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
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Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
notice
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Software Development ⛵️
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead