@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
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Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?