same bro
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“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Yup!
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.