All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
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my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Beware of the “party goblin”…
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.