“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
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Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Called it
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.