You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
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Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
the best thing i’ve ever made
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*