“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
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[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.