If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
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“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern