In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
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If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.