No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
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my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳