Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
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I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…