Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
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Batman v Dracula
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
How dramatic are you?
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.