AM I BEING GASLIT????
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[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two