My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
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I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Close call…
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Someone’s fallen Lord
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Someone’s fallen Lord
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Someone’s fallen Lord
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