[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
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I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
it is time once again
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question