Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
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just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty