4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
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Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.