Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
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I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?