The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
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When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.