why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
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The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out