(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this πππππ
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I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
βIβm just playing devilβs advocate here.β Ok why are you helping the devil?
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Iβm just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
5 told me she was really sad but didnβt want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said βIβm sad because thereβs no caramel cheeseβ and now weβre both sad
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how βhe doesnβt deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!β