Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
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Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.