I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
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People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
3% human
97% stress
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.