If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
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She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I can’t stop watching this.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?