Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
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Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Where is your GOD now????
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears