Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
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At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Perfect.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
See..?
.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no