Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
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Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Me :
All Day At Night
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive