[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
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If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?