馃幎 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
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[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I take back everything bad I鈥檝e ever said about the Welsh
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
If there鈥檚 cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don鈥檛 make the rules.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there鈥檚 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren鈥檛 we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that鈥檚 a no
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don鈥檛 expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i鈥檝e ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!馃槀馃槀馃槀
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It鈥檚 what you asked for.
ME: You鈥檙e such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?