[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
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Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.