Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
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♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?