[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
You Might Also Like
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.