I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
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We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”