me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
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My brain is a bad influence on me
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
I’m confused about plants
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Seems a bit forward
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.