barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
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Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.