Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
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Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
what the
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
I think I’m having a stroke
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.