Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
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When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Check your privilege
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?