I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
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Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Did my cat write this
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
☠️☠️☠️
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”