Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
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Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.