Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
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I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff