If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
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Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants