The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
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Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.