Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
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Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over