Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
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I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
me irl
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My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.