Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
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When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
I’m confused about plants
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.