Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
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Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.